To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.
For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!
ps. : ... someday I would like to die like he did... Ummmhh... How 'bout now?
Monday, July 31, 2006
...Cigarette...
Watching the days burning out like a cigarette, just a few drags to go
You built me up and you broke me down somehow
Everything just seemed so clear to me, nothing left to know
I'll love you right and I'll love you pure, right now
How can you say, that it's too late
To save us now
And I would wait for you (oh), if you would wait for me (yeah)
And I will wait for you (oh), if you will wait for me (yeah)
Intoxicated the edge is serrated, so easily torn from the core
I blushed the first time, but you blushed the last time my eyes in your mind
Regenerated these feelings of hatred, I long for your love evermore
You built me up and you broke me down this time
And I would wait for you (oh), if you would wait for me (yeah)
And I will wait for you (oh), if you will wait for me (yeah)
How can you say, that it's too late
To save us now
How can you say
You built me up and you broke me down somehow
Everything just seemed so clear to me, nothing left to know
I'll love you right and I'll love you pure, right now
How can you say, that it's too late
To save us now
And I would wait for you (oh), if you would wait for me (yeah)
And I will wait for you (oh), if you will wait for me (yeah)
Intoxicated the edge is serrated, so easily torn from the core
I blushed the first time, but you blushed the last time my eyes in your mind
Regenerated these feelings of hatred, I long for your love evermore
You built me up and you broke me down this time
And I would wait for you (oh), if you would wait for me (yeah)
And I will wait for you (oh), if you will wait for me (yeah)
How can you say, that it's too late
To save us now
How can you say
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
!!!No one like Mother, Love You!!!
When you were 1 year old, she fed you and bathed you.
You thanked her by crying all night long.
When you were 2 years old, she taught you to walk.
You thanked her by running away when she called.
When you were 3 years old, she made all your meals with love.
You thanked her by tossing your plate on the floor.
When you were 4 years old, she gave you some crayons.
You thanked her by coloring the dining room table.
When you were 5 years old, she dressed you for the holidays.
You thanked her by plopping into the nearest pile of mud.
When you were 6 years old, she walked you toschool.
You thanked her by screaming, "I'M NOT GOING!"
When you were 7 years old, she bought you a baseball.
You thanked her by throwing it through the next-door-neighbor's window.
When you were 8 years old, she handed you an ice cream.
You thanked her by dripping it all overyour lap.
When you were 9 years old, she paid for piano lessons.
You thanked her by never even bothering to practice.
When you were 10 years old she drove you all day, from soccer to gymnastic to one birthday party after another.
You thanked her by jumping out of the car and never looking back.
When you were 11 years old, she took you and your friends to the movies.
You thanked her by asking to sit in a different row.
When you were 12 years old, she warned you not to watch certain TV shows.
You thanked her by waiting until she left the house.
When you were 13, she suggested a haircut that was becoming.
You thanked her by telling her she had no taste.
When you were 14, she paid for a month away at summer camp.
You thanked her by forgetting to write a single letter.
When you were 15, she came home from work, looking for a hug.
You thanked her by having your bedroom door locked.
When you were 16, she taught you how todrive her car.
You thanked her by taking it every chance you could.
When you were 17, she was expecting an important call.
You thanked her by being on the phone all night.
When you were 18, she cried at your highschool graduation.
You thanked her by staying out partying until dawn.
When you were 19, she paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags.
You thanked her by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends.
When you were 20, she asked whether you were seeing anyone.
You thanked her by saying, "It's none of your business."
When you were 21, she suggested certain careers for your future.
You thanked her by saying, "I don't want to be like you."
When you were 22, she hugged you at your college graduation.
You thanked her by asking whether she could pay for a trip to Europe.
When you were 23, she gave you furniture for your first apartment.
You thanked her by telling your friends it was ugly.
When you were 24, she met your fiance and asked about your plans for the future.
You thanked her by glaring and growling, "Muuhh-ther,please!"
When you were 25, she helped to pay for your wedding, and she cried and told you how deeply she loved you.
You thanked her bymoving halfway across the country.
When you were 30, she called with some advice on the baby.
You thanked her by telling her, "Things are different now."
When you were 40, she called to remind you of a relative's birthday.
You thanked her by saying youw ere "really busy right now."
When you were 50, she fell ill and needed you to take care of her.
You thanked her by reading about the burden parents become to their children.
And then, one day, she quietly died. And everything you never did came crashing down like thunder on YOUR HEART...
You thanked her by crying all night long.
When you were 2 years old, she taught you to walk.
You thanked her by running away when she called.
When you were 3 years old, she made all your meals with love.
You thanked her by tossing your plate on the floor.
When you were 4 years old, she gave you some crayons.
You thanked her by coloring the dining room table.
When you were 5 years old, she dressed you for the holidays.
You thanked her by plopping into the nearest pile of mud.
When you were 6 years old, she walked you toschool.
You thanked her by screaming, "I'M NOT GOING!"
When you were 7 years old, she bought you a baseball.
You thanked her by throwing it through the next-door-neighbor's window.
When you were 8 years old, she handed you an ice cream.
You thanked her by dripping it all overyour lap.
When you were 9 years old, she paid for piano lessons.
You thanked her by never even bothering to practice.
When you were 10 years old she drove you all day, from soccer to gymnastic to one birthday party after another.
You thanked her by jumping out of the car and never looking back.
When you were 11 years old, she took you and your friends to the movies.
You thanked her by asking to sit in a different row.
When you were 12 years old, she warned you not to watch certain TV shows.
You thanked her by waiting until she left the house.
When you were 13, she suggested a haircut that was becoming.
You thanked her by telling her she had no taste.
When you were 14, she paid for a month away at summer camp.
You thanked her by forgetting to write a single letter.
When you were 15, she came home from work, looking for a hug.
You thanked her by having your bedroom door locked.
When you were 16, she taught you how todrive her car.
You thanked her by taking it every chance you could.
When you were 17, she was expecting an important call.
You thanked her by being on the phone all night.
When you were 18, she cried at your highschool graduation.
You thanked her by staying out partying until dawn.
When you were 19, she paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags.
You thanked her by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends.
When you were 20, she asked whether you were seeing anyone.
You thanked her by saying, "It's none of your business."
When you were 21, she suggested certain careers for your future.
You thanked her by saying, "I don't want to be like you."
When you were 22, she hugged you at your college graduation.
You thanked her by asking whether she could pay for a trip to Europe.
When you were 23, she gave you furniture for your first apartment.
You thanked her by telling your friends it was ugly.
When you were 24, she met your fiance and asked about your plans for the future.
You thanked her by glaring and growling, "Muuhh-ther,please!"
When you were 25, she helped to pay for your wedding, and she cried and told you how deeply she loved you.
You thanked her bymoving halfway across the country.
When you were 30, she called with some advice on the baby.
You thanked her by telling her, "Things are different now."
When you were 40, she called to remind you of a relative's birthday.
You thanked her by saying youw ere "really busy right now."
When you were 50, she fell ill and needed you to take care of her.
You thanked her by reading about the burden parents become to their children.
And then, one day, she quietly died. And everything you never did came crashing down like thunder on YOUR HEART...
...Slight Little Notes From Yesterday's Opening Ceremonial...
Meet Tommy. One of kewl guy from Myanmar.
And the next to him is Dika (it's me :-p), the kewlest guy in Shelton. :-p
See? I'm VERY KEWL!!! :-p
Am I look like a Myanmarese guy or not? :-p
With people from Myanmarese embassy.. :-p
Who's he? Meet ... (fuck, I forgot his name... :-p). One of the kewlest Bangladeshian guy.Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Uuuhhh... Sy gak tau harus seneng ato harus (sigh...) sedih begitu saya nyampe di tanah antah berantah ini. Kesan pertamanya sehh, asik juga... Semuanya klin bgt, man!!! Serba teratur!!! Malah kalo kamu2 smua liat dijalanan y, para sopir2 mobilnya tu taat bgt ma peraturan jalanan. Mereka tu kayaknya saling ngalah buat ngasih jalan duluan buat mobil di belakangnya... Wahh... Salut bgt... Sampe saya mikir gini, kalo gini terus kapan nyampenya tu mobil... :-p
Dih, tapi pas hari pertama saya di bagian imigrasi tu rese bgt... Masa cuman saya ma bokap saya yang digeledah barang2nya... Sementara orang2 lain kaga diperiksa... Lucu kan... Mentang2 saya orang Indo... Uhhh... Tapi emang, tu orang Imigrasi yang dari India asli rese... Rokok... Yang gw bw cuman 3 bungkus... Diwajibin bayar pajak, jek.. $500... !!!AnJInGgGGgg!!!
Tapi ya sudahlah... $500 dolar ini... Apalah artinya buat saya ini (ciieehh.... :-p). Setelah saya menunggu hampir kurang lebih 2 jam di Harbor Front (kita salah paham sama orang dari college saya... :-p), dan terkagum-kagum oleh negara ini (maklum... orang udik... :-p)... Sampailah saya di tempat kuliah saya sekaligus tempat tinggal saya selama beberapa tahun ini.
Kesan pertama c...
Begitu gw jalan dikit...
Saat gw liat kamar gw...
Liat kamar mandinya...
Gw bukannya kenapa2 c jek y... Dan sorry too say aja ni y, bukan maksud gw untuk ngebanding2in... Tapi sumpah... GEDUNGNYA JUELLEEKKK BGT.... Kalah ma Dempo... Kamarnya... Beee... jangan ditanya... Masih lebih keren kamar pembokat gw... Aaraarrgghhhh... Yang lebih parah lagi, gw tu satu kamar ma orang Cina yang SAMA SEKALI GAK BISA BAHASA INGGRIS!!! Naa tu, coba bayangin, gimana perasaan lo saat itu... Untung aja selama 2 minggu ada anak2 dari Global Prestasi yang summer camp di Shelton ini... jadi paling engga masih nyambung lahh, kalo diajak ngomong... :-p
Eh, tapi ini sekedar sharing aja c ya... Kayaknya tu Tuhan punya rencana sendiri dengan nempatin gw di tempat kaya gini. Dengan disini gw tu ngerasa bisa makin deket ma Tuhan, dan percaya ato gak, Tuhan tu selalu ngejawab doa kita dengan cara yang gak terduga!
Contohnya gini nih ya, disuatu malem gw lagi saat teduh (selama disini gw jadi makin sering buat saat teduh... :-p), gw trus doa sama Tuhan biar besok hari2 gw engga nge-bete-in... Eh beneran, besoknya gw cabut ma anak2 Global maen ke Orchard, en muter2 ampe kaki pada budut... :-p Trus ada lagi, gw tu doa biar gw punya temen orang asing, eh beneran, malemnya gw kenalan ma orang Nepal... :-p
Aduh, pokoknya lo pade kaga' rugi dah kalo lo doa sama Tuhan Yesus... Tuhan selalu tau yang terbaik buat kita. Sekarang gw pun yakin kalo Tuhan nempatin gw di barak tentara gini pasti ada alasannya... Gw yakin, pasti suatu hari nanti gw dapet jawabannya... Yang pingin gw tekankan disini adalah, Tuhan itu hidup! Dan Tuhan selalu denger doa kamu, dan ngejawabnya, entah dalam cara apapun...!!!
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